Sheesh. Seiji Ozawa and Craig Claiborne were coming over to my parents' house about 20 years ago to settle a point of honor. We prepared a bunch of honor-settling activities for them — fun little contests, like a chipotle soup eating contest. (That stuff was harsh.) But when Ozawa came to the door, he had a *gun*. And before we could take it away from him, Claiborne got there with a *dinosaur*, a big miserable one that probably wasn't even a carnivore but it was still pretty big. They started fighting it out for real. Then this middle-aged superhero type named Blast-Star showed up and took them both out with his iridescent daffodil stun rays.